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Lightning Round!

Write a eulogy for a sandwich, to be delivered while eating it.

We did not know him long, but we knew him for what he was – A delicious thick-cut slice of turkey wedged between fresh lettuce, tomato, and onions on rye toast. Truly, the good die young and with a side of fries.

Write the ad for an expensive new drug that improves bad posture. Now, list the possible side effects.

New! From the makers of Zoloft, it’s called SitTheFuckUp! It’ll keep your back straight and your shoulders broad. Side effects include seduction of the opposite sex, promotions, a new perspective on life, and amphetamine addiction.

Think about your day so far (even if it’s still morning). What’s the highlight at this point?

You know, I managed to solve 2048 today, most of the management is out of the office, and I haven’t had to lift a finger all day, but the highlight is finding the motivation to write silly little blurbs for the first time in weeks.

Write the first communication sent back to Earth after humans land on Mars.

Houston, this is Alpha-One. They have tentacles. I repeat, they have tentacles!

Finish this sentence: The smell of an orange reminds me of….

… the fact that I must be dreaming. Everyone knows I can barely walk, barely talk, and I sure as hell can’t smell anything.

A genie grants you three tiny wishes. What are they?

Tuna sub, pumpkin pie, and a small latte.

It’s 1849, and you’re headed West along the Oregon Trail. Describe the safety features of your state-of-the-art covered wagon.

It comes with wheels, oxen, and a gun. No one can stop a man on the Oregon Trail.

Write the passenger safety instructions card for a time-travel machine.


An undercover spy is about to impersonate you in all aspects of your life. Write instructions.

  1. Never call anyone. Let them call you and tell them everything is fine.
  2. Don’t try to talk to Matt. Trust me on this one.
  3. 99% of computer programming is fudging the code and blaming others. You’ll be fine.
  4. Have fun with the woman 😉

Write your life story in five sentences.

I was born to an immigrant and a hillbilly. Then I was raised mostly by the Italian side of the family while hating Catholic school through ninth grade. After that I went to a really fancy school for smart people. College crushed my soul and my financial momentum. Now I’m here!

It’s 2018. Where did you last see your jetpack on Saturday?

Crap, I left it at the murder fields again, didn’t I?

Which is the oldest tree in your neighborhood, and what has it seen?

I’m pretty sure that oak in the woods behind the apartment building saw Rockefeller kill a hooker once.

At a banquet in Kazakhstan, you are greeted as a guest of honor and served the traditional sheep’s eyeball. Respectfully, you decline. You are then offered the sheep’s tongue, instead. What’s your excuse this time?

I want the goddamn brain! Jesus, are they trying to spite me or what?

Fill in the blank and keep going. “I really ought to eat more_____.”

… kale. That stuff is a super food and I’m pretty sure it will help aid my digestion. You know, I’ve got some really nasty gas and I need all the help I can get.

Aloha! You’re a lost tourist on a locals-only beach in Hawaii. Talk your way out of a night mugging, using only surfer slang and sea turtle metaphors.

“Surf’s up, shell-for-brains.” *Stabs mugger*

Find a photo and write what’s not in the picture.

I want you to look at any picture that doesn’t have me in it. Pick one. Got it? Good.

It’s a shit picture. It’s missing my beautiful face and hair. Why bother?

As a talking Chihuahua, what would you tell your humans about the new crying baby who now lives with you?

So when are you guys going to cook lunch?

Pick a place you’ve never been to. Explain why you are moving there.

I’m moving to Portland so I can ride a bike everywhere and make fun of hipsters for being hipsters.

What piece of advice do you most often give and least often follow?

I tell people to be productive then turn around and play a game or write goofy drivel.

If you were given one extra hour today and you weren’t allowed to use it for anything you’d normally do (e.g.; eat, sleep, etc.), what would you do with that hour?

I’d call my parents. Get it? It’s a broken family joke! Because I never call my parents and I really should.

Joking aside, I probably will call them tonight. Relax folks, a joke’s a joke around here. Nothing more.

How’s it going? Write the honest answer.

You know, that’s the hardest prompt in the whole list! To be quite honest, things are pretty mixed right now. Sure, I’m employed, I’ve got an awesome girlfriend who’s working on scoring a new job, I eat well, I’m still breathing.

But, on the other hand, I’m feeling rather unfulfilled. I’ve been Mr. Video Game Expert my whole life and I find the process of both playing and building games rather tedious anymore. In the last year I’ve got from financial train wreck to frugality expert, but I’m still a year off from having a whopping net worth of goddamn zero. Christmas is around the corner, which is nice because it means food, but shitty because it means family awkwardness and rushing to both families parties so everyone can get an equal chance to be a nuisance.

I guess I just need to keep myself occupied, hence why I’m forcing myself to write. I suppose that feels pretty good.

I decided to do this lightning round using these exercises.

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